“How unfathomable is the task of taking account not only of mattering but of its inseparability
from the void, including the infinite abundance that inhabits and surrounds all being?”
–Karen Barad, On Touching—The Inhuman That Therefore I Am*

“In the course of the last millennium, planting obviously became more technical, because the
theoretical distance to it increased. Planting is done mechanically, fertilizing chemically,
alteration of plants biologically, and the rhythm of ripening (waiting) is controlled artificially”
–Vilém Flusser, The Gesture of Planting

“The only way I think is imagining having conversations with friends”
–Laura Henriksen, week 4 of the Friends & Lovers Feminist Reading Group*

anna’s been encouraging me to get on twitter xx she has an anonymous “diary” account where
she posts whatever; confessions xx bad jokes xx hopes of exes dying in car crashes… anna says it
feels good to put those thoughts out there xx wherever there is

i’ve been looking for a psychiatrist online xx one site takes my insurance info then instantly
connects me to a number of licensed professionals in my area xx the process is as easy as
anything else on the internet & xx save for the thumbnails xx virtually indistinct

xxxxxxxxxx ashanti dreams xxxxxx my mother & i pick her up
from work xxxx in a bright pink suv xx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxthough she’s
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxnever metxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx my mother xx before

cori uses an app to track messages from the stars; jokes, how else will she know what to do?

anna has two followers xx one is her roommate, asprey xx when asprey likes a tweet, i watch anna
thank her in person xx her other follower is a corporate account xx whose bio reads “Best Vape
Website in the [globe emoji]”

i pick a doctor whose office is a 10-minute bike ride away xx an appointment is made with a
resident operating out of her practice xx & not with the doctor, herself xx the nice lady
whose picture i clicked on

today, cori’s phone suggests she practice holding onto 2 opposing ideas xx advises she “claim
[her] place in the void” xx & attaches a grainy black-and-white photo of what looks xx to me
like a tower xx some sort of spire…

while filling out paperwork in the lobby, i grow uneasy overhearing another patient schedule a
test for his adhd xx to prove he really has it xx one form asks i agree to take a mandatory drug test
every month, before each session xx silently, i leave the clipboard on my chair

the planets say i should quit smoking xx they send photos of a spider xx the profile of a topless
woman touching her toes xx & one of a bruised pear xx the skin of which xx is not unlike the
surface of the moon

xx i text ashanti xx what does your subconscious
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx think my mom looks like ?

the moon highlights parts of my horoscope similar to cori’s xx it grants me subtle access into
the folds of her day xx her slight xx starry mechanics xx it all seems a little invasive, honestly

a friend refers me to her own psychiatrist xx i leave a message with my name & number & over a
week later, i get a call back xx unfortunately, this practice is not taking on new patients at this
time xx in turn, they give me two new referrals xx one doctor is a balding man who specializes in
child psychiatry & has a creepy headshot xx the other’s in midtown

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxi dream i’m staying in a house filled with people my age
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(thoughxxxxxxxno one i know)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxthe cops come xx& arrest everybodyxx but i escape
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxbecause the officer watching the back is busy
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxnursing a baby

like cori, i’m informed, “restlessness will always accompany [my] attempts to be present”xxxxlike
her, i “serve others as a way to avoid true vulnerability”xxxxpicture of a walnutxxxxpicture of a
sharp gemxxxxpicture of a cactusxxxxof a featherxxxxof a different featherxxxxpicture of a halved
pomegranatexxxxits color soaked out

i leave a message for the doctor in midtownxxxxthat same day, someone from her office gets back
to mexxxxunfortunately, this practice does not accept insurance

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxby the time the cop spies me drifting
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx& safely returns the infant to her crib
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxi’ve made a break for the beach,xxxxxxit’s a beach house
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(i don’t know where
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxthe money’s coming from)