what is it about the silence of rain
the quiet after everyone goes indoors
that draws you back to an instant
of suspension between then and now
john coventry was not around
that day ... he had been given a trumpet
no one else could play ... only he
knew the secret for swearing into brass
mouthpieces to release the shrill
sirens of shame a superintendent’s son
could never forego
after rains we climb together down
outside stairwells to flooded
basements ... neither of us knows to
call the green stain on the concrete
walls ... “verdigris” ... even now ... to have
said that word aloud ... would make
a boy feel he’s giving away secrets he
swears he will never grow big
enough to carry
there is a toy piano stranded in the
rain ... someone must have left
it outside ... a songbook has been set
atop the piano ... the book
tells you how to play its songs ... note
by note ... Mary has lost a little
treasure ... unmoored
you steer the book and the piano through
the entrance-way to your building
and put the piano down on the hallway
steps ... you try the easiest tune
things are going well ... you play each
note until you get the tune ... then
you do it again ... when you are ready
to try the next one ... you notice a
grown man has walked into the courtyard
now that the rain has stopped ... you
must have looked up from playing when
you notice the man coming around
even so you don’t hesitate to turn back
and start the next song
he enters the foyer through the main
door and you will have turned ... again
to face him ... the piano will have dried
if it has ever been wetted ... it belongs
to the mans daughter ... we make no
trouble for each other ... and he will take
the piano back to his child
the silence of the entry-way will have
changed its shape ... once more
quietly as rain ... playing piano in hallways
will have loosened the walls’ ready contentment
after showers have stopped for good ... no
eavesdropper will wonder why you had
no marbles of your own to spin through the
moist spots of earth confining your reach
with unexpected urgency a recurring myth
will remind you of what you once might
have remained ... and impels you still to what you
all but certainly can no longer bear not to be
how to map an embarrassment
have you ever fallen out of your chair
you are leaning back ... and back
to see how far you can go
the teacher has told you not to ... once
twice ... you know where this goes
she stops reminding you ... you have
forgotten where you are ... what you
are doing ... the chair crashes before
you fall across it ... why do you
remember this early dose of public
humiliation ... not merely the first of many
but a prelude to an excavation of indented
childhood ... earlier ... there was Patty in
third grade ... Patricia ... red hair
green eyes ... i didn’t understand she
liked me ... she ... was just there ... when
she wasn’t ... it took me decades to
remember the breach ... we moved
i finished high school ... i joined the
navy ... i got married and divorced
i went through a slew of jobs ... my
losses began to haunt me ... i hadn’t
forgotten i had fallen off my chair
at the new school in the class of
the teacher with deep set eyes ... mrs
minor ... i remembered that an assistant
principal smiled meekly only to himself
when i graduated from high school ... no
parents of mine were there ... i now
recognize my divorced mother ... couldn’t
come to see me off on joining the navy
because a part of her life had ended ... and
my own marriage ... though short
still gives me a turn when i reconsider
its naked displacements of trust
but Patty began to turn up ... where
did she go ... why didn’t i see her again
once in early grades ... i did something
that made a student teacher grab
me ... she broke the top button-
hole of my shirt ... when she told me
to go home with the broken
collar ... i cried and wailed ... “she’ll kill
me” ... the assisting teacher sewed up
the button-hole ... there must be more
to this ... but i won’t follow it right now
that particular moment of truth
happened at miller street school in
newark ... where kids like Patty and
me first went to school ... i was more
of a problem ... then ... than i knew
one afternoon i was delayed and left
school ... late ... without taking time
to go to the bathroom ... no one
was on the street ... so i stopped
and furtively relieved myself
against the wall of the store on
the corner where the crossing
lights hung ... when i turned around
i saw Patty at the third floor
window of her family’s apartment ... it
has taken years ... decades to realize ... she
was waiting for me ... her withdrawal
was so complete and decided ... that
i never realized she wasn’t talking
to me ... ever ... i had been in third
grade that year ... at the end of the
next one my family moved four or
five miles away ... i only began to
recognize ... how completely i had
offended Patty after i was well into
maturity ... this instance of regret
might offer a suspension of judgment
broad enough to carry a poem ... but if
it doesn’t ... you will understand why not